Ready or not here it comes
March 11, 2010
Oh dear, looks like I forgot to post for oh…a few months… so much has changed and yet many things have stayed the same. Everyday is a struggle to educate. Every day is a win or two with about a dozen losses, but boy do those wins feel good. I’d be lying if I told anyone I was any good at my job because frankly, I’m not. This year I’ve learned more about myself and how to teach than the kids have been able to learn themselves, which is sad, but at least someone is learning in the classroom everyday. There is so much I would change, yet I feel so grateful for having learned from the mistakes I have made. These children, in all their confused teenageness have made me a better teacher and a better person.
It’s funny that as I type each word I am reminded of how much I have changed in such a short time. My previous posts were articulate, very matter of fact, and had substance. As I write this evening, I can feel my writing spiraling like an emotional teenager having so much to say, but not having a way to say anything comprehensible. My grammar has suffered, my vernacular mirrors a thirteen year old, and I know that no matter how much I write tonight, I have not been able to say what is really going on in my thoughts this year.
With that in mind, I’m going to take a line from my students and say “I’m just going to tell it like it is”.
I love these children with my whole heart and soul. As the third quarter comes to a close and my students took their final exams today I couldn’t help but look over at their concentrated and flustered faces with frustration that I hadn’t done just a little bit better. Every time a student comes in angry or upset, I have put so much pressure on them to stay committed, and while they think I’m doing it because I hate them, it is because all I want in the world for that child to see is that they can still succeed even when the rest of the day has been a complete failure. I want them to see that I continuously hound them because I care, not because I’m upset….But how do you say all this to a child who has more or less only seen failure academically and has a teacher who has to put on the “teacher face” every single day or risk being considered soft?
At the end of the day, I hope these students leave this year with a sense of achievement. Surviving me is no easy task, yet I think all of them will make it through the year, and some may even leave with some tidbits of knowledge. I hope I have prepared them, more than just for the test in 4 weeks. I hope they are ready for high school, and I hope they have gained a little bit of maturity and a little bit of hope over the last 3 quarters.
Time will tell, EOC, ready or not, here my students come…
